How to Live

hpqscan0001I have never written about suicide.  I have never wanted to.  I hadn’t realized before this moment, the tidal waves I have lived through.

Death came early to this young girl.  My grandparents on my Dad’s side were both gone by the time I was 10.  At 13 I lost my best friend,  Yiayia, my Mother’s Mom.  Lots of pets and friends, too.  They came and went and I cried and processed and moved on as best I could.  But, these losses were natural.  Part of this existence.  Par for the course, no?

To experience a loss is one thing.  To experience something that effectively wipes your hard drive, is an experience that is both savage and beautiful at the same time.

As a Mother, I have experienced the loss of a child.

As a Child, I have experienced the loss of a parent.

As a friend, I have experienced the loss of many friends.

I have watched the life force slowly ebb from its physical restraints.

We all have.  Humanity is awash with the dead and dying.

When I was 19 years young, my best friend shot himself.  I died, too.  I became white noise.  I existed.  Barely.

My 30th birthday was especially hard.  We had a silly pact, that if neither of us had found happiness with other people he and I could at least have kids together and raise them with love.  I made it.  He did not.

At the funeral, his mother was most upset with me.  I couldn’t save him.  I didn’t even try.

I was so broken.  My only source of gratitude was the vague thought that he had saved me from the worst of it.

A lifetime later I am on the other side and have learned that a heart still beats after its been broken.  It’s a bitter blessing.

I have learned that the human experience is precious and I would sorely miss it.

Without the pain I would not remember to live.  It keeps me grounded.

How I live today is with extreme gratitude.  Especially for the little things.  Like sipping cool water from a drinking fountain.  Stubbing my toe in the middle of the night.  Even getting a headache!  It is so sublimely human and rare in this manner that I grab hold of it and exude LOVE…

This is how I live.

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